For the past week, nothing much has happened. It has been the same old stuff every day. The only thing different was having a psychic reading given to me for free on Wednesday of last week. Out of all the small readings I have had done, she was the best. She hit on a lot of things that no one could possibly know about me. And in a way it really helped me. It ended up lasting for about an hour and a half, which is really long, but spirit definitely had something things to say.
My dad came through in the reading. He was apologetic and claimed he was a horrible parent, but he was going through things and had a lot of issues that spilled through into his family. He asked permission to watch and see me through my journey of healing. A part of me probably has trust issues with men because of the way I was treated when growing up with him as my dad. We never had a real close relationship. A lot of my trust issues also stem from sexual abuse when I was a child.
Today those things still affect me. I am 28, single and still a virgin. Any time I did date the furthest I would ever go was kissing if anything escalated towards going past that, it got scary for me. I would immediately shut down and leave the situation. I have avoided talking about my past because of the shame associated with it and when I was a teen I once told someone, but they did not believe me, so I decided it was best just to keep those painful issues to myself. I was a child in those situations and did not understand what a good touch and bad touch was back then. The touching not only left me in a state of confusion, but feeling as if I had done something wrong.
I have not dated anyone since I was 22 and a part of me has been relieved and independent, while the other part of me felt extremely lonely, especially after having to watch friends over the years get married and have children. I am at a point now in my life where I have given up on love, marriage and the possibility of being a mother. There are people who are highly disappointed that I have gotten to that point, but I really cannot see it happening anymore. I cannot say with certainty that this feeling will never change, but so far that is how I have felt for years. Maybe if I truly begin healing I will eventually come to really love myself and something will change. So here is hoping my healing journey that starts today will change something inside of me to make my future happy and healthy.