Another Day

Not much has been happening lately. In fact, I have been battling fatigue for the past week that over my days off I slept almost every day with a few bathroom and eating breaks in between. I am back to work today, and I am still feeling sluggish, though it wasn’t as bad as the last two days.

The last few days have also left me wondering what to do about my life, my future. A few people have started leaving the job I am at, which has made each shift short. Between over time and having to work in an area you don’t normally work in frequently, it has become really exhausting. I have been wondering if I really don’t know what my life path is anymore. My dream was to become a nurse, but it seems out of reach with the significant cost of Education. I already have quite a bit worked up in student loans, which I am currently trying to pay back down.

Another dream I have is to move out of the current city I live in. Granted, it has everything one really needs, but once my mother retires and moves up with her husband I will be alone away from any family members for about a 1-2 hour drive. That my not seem like much, but it is difficult for me who has been living in a city with family ever since I was born. Being alone is difficult. I know eventually family leaves you or rather the baby birds are supposed to leave the nest, but I am a woman who has social anxiety. I literally feel like anything that comes out of my mouth is awkward and makes me feel like a say weird things that make others laugh at me, so at this current stage in my life I have 0 friends. I don’t even date, because that is even more socially awkward, and given my past with the opposite sex, I find myself running from those kinds of relationships at any given chance.

So what am I to do? There are finally some programs coming to my town for the career I want to be in, but that would be more money I would have to be in debt. I know education is an investment, but part of me would be devastated if I failed and ended up in debt over my head. So I am at a cross roads in my life wondering which path to take. Life is not easy.


Spring Season & New Anime Lineup

Six days ago was the official start of spring. The weather in my home state has fluctuated from having lows in the 40-50 range and highs in the 50-60 range. As a woman who works the midnight shift, lately I have been wearing a light sweater into work at 9:00 pm and in the morning when I get off at 6:00 am I come out in a heavy coat. It will be better once the lows shift into the 50-60 range and highs in the 60-70 range. Those are the perfect temperatures.

I will not lie, I am a messy person. From one person to another I tend to throw clothes on the floor, toss boxes and other trinkets in random spots around my bedroom. As implied, I think it is time for some spring cleaning. Alas, fatigue has a grip on me and it has been that way for the past week. If only I had more energy to actually do something progressive. I have cleaned here and there, but nothing substantial enough to make a difference. I even bought an actual head and foot board for my full size bed but have yet to actually put it together. Hopefully soon this fatigue will end and I will have the energy to actually do some spring cleaning and rearranging.

In other news I am looking forward to the month of April. New anime shows are scheduled to drop. If you are curious what new shows are dropping this is a great place to look. Below are a list of new shows I will probably be watching once they drop, and I am thinking about actually doing reviews on them if I have the time. I may drop some shows if they do not have a decent plot or are not my cup of tea, but these look interesting.

Shokugeki no Souma Season 3
Boku no Hero Academia Season 3
Tokyo Ghoul:re
High School DxD Hero
Persona 5 the Animation
Wotaku ni Koi wa Muzukashii
Jikken-hin Kazoku: Creatures Family Days
Devil’s Line
Mahou Shoujo Site
Kakuriyo no Yadomeshi
Nil Admirari no Tenbin
Cardfight!! Vanguard (2018) (Coming May 5th)

Some of the above shows are returning for a new season and are shows I have seen and watched before. I am really looking forward to Cardfight!! Vanguard. I am in love with card game type anime shows it seems. What about the rest of the anime fans? What are you all eager to watch during the Spring 2018 reason season? Let me know in the comments below. Have an awesome day!

Favorite Anime Shows

What is your favorite Japanese Anime show or movie?

Personally I have a lot of anime shows I really enjoy. I first discovered anime when I was in high school after watching Fushigi Yuugi. After that I dove into the world of anime and realized that what I thought was my first anime, was not actually the first anime show I ever watched. The first I ever watched was on some channel that showed cartoon shows, so I always assumed Escaflowne was a cartoon. I soon learned the difference between Japanese anime and cartoons.

In my heart of hearts Fushigi Yuugi will always be my absolute favorite. It is dated and has an older art style than what is currently done in animation. The plot is great, but I am a lover of the Fantasy genre in general. Back then I was a teenager, and totally had a crush on the main character’s love interest. In fact, I still hold a small flame for said character. I suppose everyone has a character they just absolutely fell in love with at one point or another in their lives.

Below is a list of other anime shows I really enjoyed over the years and recommend to anyone looking for some great anime to watch…

Fushigi Yuugi (Favorite)
Code Geass
Digimon All Seasons (Love the first season the best)
Sailor Moon
Sailor Moon Crystal
Black Blood Brothers
Buso Renkin
D.Gray-man (2nd Favorite)
Zero no Tsukaima
Fate/stay night
Gakuen Heaven
Princess Princess
Shining Tears X Wind
Kamichama Karin
Black Butler
Monochrome Factor
Rosario + Vampire
Itazura na Kiss
Tales of the Abyss
Junjo Romantica: Pure Romance
Vampire Knight
Fairy Tail
Pandora Hearts
Yu Yu Hakusho
Nurarihyon no Mago
Uragiri wa Boku no Namae o Shitteiru
Toaru Majutsu no Indekkusu
Dance in the Vampire Bund
The Qwaser of Stigmata
Blue Exorcist
Cardfight!! Vanguard
Guilty Crown
Shakugan no Shana
Uta no Prince-sama
The Knight in the Area
Aquarion Evol
Magi: The Labyrinth of Magic
Kyou Kara Moau
Kamisama Kiss
Sword Art Online
Ace of Diamond
Prince of Tennis
Amnesia (visual novel)
Log Horizon
Arata: The Legend
Blood Lad
Brothers Conflict
Date A Live
Diabolik Lovers
Tokyo Ravens
Tokyo Ghoul
Love Stage!!
Plastic Memories
Seraph of the End
World Break: Aria of Curse for a Holy Swordsman
Yamada-kun and the Seven Witches
Bungo Stray Dogs
Prince of Stride
Re:Zero − Starting Life in Another World
Kiss Him, Not Me
Yuri on Ice
Recovery of an MMO Junkie
Cardcaptor Sakura
Cardcaptor Sakura: Clear Card
Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood
*There is a possibility I missed some due to the vast amount of anime shows out there and how many I have actually watched.

If you would like to recommend any anime for me to watch that you enjoy and I do not have it listed here, please let me know in the comments.

My average day & future plans

In my last post I talked about the ongoing family issues I have been having, but not anything else. So what is going on? Well, work has kept me fairly busy, mind you, working the midnight shift is semi-easy, but it keeps one from really having a normal set schedule. What is my day like? Read on to find out my little minions…

Unlike a regular day for normal people, or rather a normal work day for the average person, I work from 10:00 at night to 6:00 in the morning. Yep, it is a 40 hour work week. Anyways, I usually try to sleep from 12:00 pm to 8:00 pm or 9:00 pm. The time usually depends on if I take a shower before bed or after I get up. Most of the time I shower before bed since I had feeling dirty when I sleep. So I wake up, check a few things online, get dressed, stop by a quick shop for a soda and go to work. (I really need to work on cutting the soda out of my diet.)

The night can be busy or it can be as dead as a door nail. Most of the time I am dead in the water after 2:00 am. Most of the time I just sit and read or I will play Farmville to pass the time. Sometimes when I am having fun it goes by quickly, other times it drags on. Those days are the worst. But the worst of the worst days are the ones where you are extremely fatigued and the night is dead and dragging. You are just sitting there trying your absolute best to stay awake, entertained and constantly check the clock hoping a few hours have passed by.

Once 6:00 am rolls around I am starting to feel the fatigue and sometimes I even think about going to bed directly after getting home. What is weird is when I actually do walk in the door my fatigue goes away and I am wide awake and feeling ready to relax at home. So what do I do at home?

At the moment I live with my mother, now you are probably wondering why a perfectly good 29 year old is still living with her mother and her bedroom just happens to be in the basement. Well, despite making $16.16 an hour and working 40 hours a week, the rentals around the area are ridiculously high. The irony? The really nice looking apartments are ones I can’t even look at because I make too much and they are made for low income people. The other apartments in the area range from $600 and up. With my current bills and being single there is absolutely no way to afford something by myself at the moment. As for living in the basement, it is easier to have a darker room during the day since I do work the night shift.

Some of you are probably wondering if I will eventually move out. I don’t know what the future will bring. At the moment my mother will be able to retire in a year and she is eager to do so. Her husband a few hours from us and she can only see him on the weekends when he comes into town. She’s like to actually live with him. Eventually I might have the house all to myself, but things are still up in the air and It probably will not be a fast process, as my mother put it.

Back to what I do at home once I get back from work. I let the dogs out. We have four. One is mine and the other three are my mom and dad’s babies. I bring them back in and we all chill for the next few hours. I am either watching a show like Law and Order, Supernatural, Once Upon A Time or messing around on my Ipad. Sometimes when I am feeling down I like to plug my headphones in and listen to music to bring my spirits back up. And that makes up a typical day for me.

So what about my plans for the future? My dreams from before? For now I am paying off debt I acquired from school. I didn’t get enough financial aid to pay for Health Insurance so I put $1500 on my credit card since It was required to go through the nursing program. The debt kept building up and now I am doing my best to pay it off before going back to school and before you ask, I decided to never use my credit card for something like that ever again. I am happy because I got most of it paid off after getting my tax return. (I actually got my taxes done early this year instead of procrastinating as usual, haha.)

Eventually I do want to go back to school to finish what I started by paying off my debt comes first in my mind currently. I wish going to college was a lot cheaper. My hometown doesn’t have a public university so when I went I had to pay for a dorm room, which made everything super expensive. Ironically, It was still a cheaper solution than a private university in my hometown. I know it is a silly wish, but still I wish I could get an education without paying thousands of dollars and getting in debt in student loans. Why not get a grant or scholarship? One, I make too much at my current job for a grant and second, from the scholarships I have seen and researched on, it is difficult for non-traditional student to obtain. I know people do get them, but with all who compete for them it makes it that much harder. Still, I do not want to continue in the field I am in. I can do it, but it is not something I want to do for the rest of my life. In order to change that most other things I am interested in require a degree. (Sigh.) So I most definitely have to go to school in some shape or form.

From what you have read I have an entirely mundane average life and future plans that seem so far away. I still have hope for the future though and I am determined to pave my own path to success and happiness. Thanks for reading, I know it was a lot more text that past posts, but I am feeling more inspiration to writing. Maybe I will be able to fulfill my future dream of actually writing a fictional story and posting it up. Alright, I hope you guys have an awesome day and I will write again soon. Stay tuned in.

A New Year & Back to Blogging

So I has been a while since I last posted anything. Sometimes one feels the need to take a step back and do something else for a while. My life has been so lack luster lately that there was nothing I could really talk about. I wasn’t until a few days before Christmas that there was a shift in my every day life.

To make a long and complicated story short on the intricacies of my family, I will just say that someone said something to someone else, which they took way too seriously and despite the importance of communication, the second person took it upon themselves to break away from the first person and anyone connected to that person, despite having gone through the same thing with a family member on the opposite side of the spectrum.

Needless to say I was not involved in any of it, but because I was connected deeply to this other family member, they decided to end our friendship and block me on Facebook. She still has it from what I have seen on another account, which hurts but I guess that is her choice. Unfortunately it really limits us to only talking on the phone. She lives a few hours away and it is really had to visit people that far away when you work the midnight shift. I just wish that she would think things through and realize that even though she wishes to get away from the family drama, there will always be some type of drama in life. There really is no way to get away from it unless you stay away from people and live the life of a hermit.

I miss her. She is family and always will be. I hope one day things with our family will be mended.

Silly Randomness

Hey all, it has been a while since I last posted something up. Nothing super significant has happened lately and I have not really felt in the mood to write. I was urged to update since I had not been heard from in a while, so here it is. I have been busy with work and finding time to organize my life. One good thing that has changed has been a slow life-style change. I will admit I am a messy person, I have been for most of my life. Some might say it’s due to depression or others might say it is a learned habit. To be it has always been a kind of indicator of my feelings. I have started hanging up clothes instead of just throwing them on a desk or on the floor. I throw all my trash away and try to take it out to the dumpster in a timely manner. As for food in my room, I always take the dishes back up to the kitchen sink. (I always used to just toss them on the desk or floor and have them pile up.)

I finally feel like I am on my way to making myself feel better as a person, and to create a healthy space for me to work in. I still have trouble remembering to make my bed, and have trouble putting things back from where I got them. (Books, dvds, games, etc.) I am working on it though. One thing that has not been on the up and up has been going to the gym. It has been a couple of months since I last went. A part of me is so tired to try and I feel unmotivated most of the time, even with my mom urging us to go. Although another part is determined to lose the weight so I can start fitting in old clothes that no longer fit. Not to mention possibly losing some breast fat. Having 42G breasts is killer. I am so envious of the ladies who have B or C sized breasts, those are the perfect size. Not too big nor too small. Alas, I have had large breasts for a while.

Funny story though, I think I was probably about eight or nine years old, sitting out in the backyard on the well with my mother. She and I were chatting away. At that age you are a flat chested girl who will be a preteen in another couple of years. And I am pretty sure we started having classes about puberty and such at that time. Regardless, that day I told my mother I wanted big breasts when I became and adult. –Yeah– I sincerely have to tell you I regret those words to this day. Be careful what you wish for folks because God has a funny sense of humor and just might give you what you want, but someday you may just be wishing your younger self had never made such a silly wish.

Well that is my update for the day. I hope those of you who keep up to date on my blog enjoy the light reading. I will be try to keep updating regularly, if not feel free to nudge me again. Take care!

A Trip to the ER

The last time I wrote something was a couple of weeks ago. It has been busy and just a strange couple of weeks. Last weekend I had a major scare. For about four days I had been having pain on and off in my left breast. It did not feel like it was inside my chest, so I didn’t really think it was something serious. I thought it would go away on its own, but after four days of dealing with the pain, I got tired of it.

I called the doctor on what would be known as day five. Unfortunately my doctor was on vacation until the next week. I described my symptoms and waited as the woman on the phone conferred with the on call nurse. When she came back on the line she said most likely there was nothing they could do for me on their end and from the description of my symptoms they would feel better if I went to the hospital because it sounded cardiac related. Cue adrenaline and fear.

For a few moments I took a few deep breaths before calling my mother up at work to let her know what was going on. She ended up leaving work and coming with me to the hospital to get checked out.

I was immediately taken to a room and told to take off my shirt and bra. I think I was so worried about what might be wrong with me that I didn’t really think about how embarrassing it would be to be half naked in front of a bunch of people, especially at the weight I am, but I was oddly disconnected from that as I got into my hospital gown. I didn’t even think about the fact that I hadn’t shaved my legs in a while, at least not until they had to stick little pads on my ankles. Cue more embarrassment while I apologized for my unshaven legs. I don’t think they really thought much about it.

They started an IV and asked a bunch of questions. Many questions I had to answer over and over again, which was a bit annoying, but I understand. They did a bunch of tests on my blood. All came back clean except one. The doctor said they were concerned enough with it that I would need to get a CT Scan to check for blood clots. I was back to being nervous and scared again as I was taken to get a CT.

Twenty minutes later I learned I was okay and there were no blood clots. I had what was called Costochondritis. It apparently mimics a heart attack which is why my symptoms were similar. I was put on a couple of medications, one for inflammation and the other for pain. I am back to normal with no more pain. Still, it’s weird that something like that came out of the blue. I’ve never had hormones that acted funky to cause something like this before. And I had never heard of it until that day. But, thank you God for keeping me happy and healthy. I think I might be ready to start merging over to a healthier life-style. Need to be heart conscious now after such a scare.

It Has Been A While

Hey everyone, it has been a while since I wrote anything, mainly because I have been dealing with life issues that have cropped up. Between having headaches every other day and experiencing restless leg syndrome every evening, I’ve had much better days.

I have been trying to figure out the best way to capture my artwork to post it up on the site. I have taken photographs of my art, but it isn’t as good as having something that has been scanned in. The other issue is making sure no one claims my art as their own. Many pieces I have completed are not signed or anything. I might have to put a watermark or something somewhere on them before posting, but I am still wanting to post them to show people.

Other than having a break in my art flow, I have begun the process of making an outline for a novel I want to write. I have an idea in mind at might just be new and I want to try it. It’s been several years since I wrote anything significant. The last time I did, it was writing Harry Potter fanfiction, but now I am quite serious and my dream is to someday actually publish an original novel.

As you can see I am quite the creative little bee. I love writing and drawing. Those things are my bread and butter to keep me sane. The other thing along with those is music. I absolutely have to listen to music while writing or drawing. Then I just sink into Zen-like bliss.

So I hope everyone is having a much better week than I have been having.

A Move Towards Healing

For the past week, nothing much has happened. It has been the same old stuff every day. The only thing different was having a psychic reading given to me for free on Wednesday of last week. Out of all the small readings I have had done, she was the best. She hit on a lot of things that no one could possibly know about me. And in a way it really helped me. It ended up lasting for about an hour and a half, which is really long, but spirit definitely had something things to say.

My dad came through in the reading. He was apologetic and claimed he was a horrible parent, but he was going through things and had a lot of issues that spilled through into his family. He asked permission to watch and see me through my journey of healing. A part of me probably has trust issues with men because of the way I was treated when growing up with him as my dad. We never had a real close relationship. A lot of my trust issues also stem from sexual abuse when I was a child.

Today those things still affect me. I am 28, single and still a virgin. Any time I did date the furthest I would ever go was kissing if anything escalated towards going past that, it got scary for me. I would immediately shut down and leave the situation. I have avoided talking about my past because of the shame associated with it and when I was a teen I once told someone, but they did not believe me, so I decided it was best just to keep those painful issues to myself. I was a child in those situations and did not understand what a good touch and bad touch was back then. The touching not only left me in a state of confusion, but feeling as if I had done something wrong.

I have not dated anyone since I was 22 and a part of me has been relieved and independent, while the other part of me felt extremely lonely, especially after having to watch friends over the years get married and have children. I am at a point now in my life where I have given up on love, marriage and the possibility of being a mother. There are people who are highly disappointed that I have gotten to that point, but I really cannot see it happening anymore. I cannot say with certainty that this feeling will never change, but so far that is how I have felt for years. Maybe if I truly begin healing I will eventually come to really love myself and something will change. So here is hoping my healing journey that starts today will change something inside of me to make my future happy and healthy.

The Pain of Working Out

So for the past month and a half my mother and I have been so busy that we stopped going to the gym in my home town. It was not until Thursday that my mom was all about the ‘we need to go back to the gym, are you ready for today?’

My mother works day shift from about 5:30 am to 2:00 pm, and I work the midnight shift from 10:00 pm to 6:00 am. Since we are the only two who motivate each other to actually go, I have to compromise and sleep after I get off work, wake up before 2:30 pm and get ready for some exercising. I try not to complain about it, but I really enjoy sleeping for 8 or more hours. If I get less sleep than that, I tend to be on the cranky side of the bed.

I actually woke up about 1:30 pm on Thursday and could not sleep another few minutes. Instead I got my yoga pants and t-shirt on and proceeded to meet my mother in the living room before heading out. She was surprised I hadn’t slept until 2:45 pm like I said I would. I enjoy trying to go around 3:00 pm so I can get a few more winks of sleep.

We left about 2:20 pm and headed over to the gym. To my surprise some of the co-workers my mom and I work with were just checking in as well. I did not realize the hardcore workout I would soon be getting.

After checking in my mom decided to get a discounted rate on her monthly payments that she was not able to get before. While she was doing that, my two co-workers, one who was another supervisor, gestured to me to come over. Mom told me to go on ahead, so I went. From there, my co-worker who had been my trainer decided to become my workout trainer. OMG, I was really being pushed almost to the point where it was almost too much, especially since I was out of practice.

Two days later and my body is hurting. Ugh. I am definitely going to have to start investing in heat wraps and ibuprofen if things continue being that hardcore. At least to me it was hardcore. But I know it is good for me. I will be starting back up on Monday. Trying to lose weight sucks.