Been Busy

Hey all, it has been a while since I last posted something up. Nothing super significant has happened lately and I have not really felt in the mood to write. I was urged to update since I had not been heard from in a while, so here it is. I have been busy with work and finding time to organize my life. One good thing that has changed has been a slow life-style change. I will admit I am a messy person, I have been for most of my life. Some might say it’s due to depression or others might say it is a learned habit. To be it has always been a kind of indicator of my feelings. I have started hanging up clothes instead of just throwing them on a desk or on the floor. I throw all my trash away and try to take it out to the dumpster in a timely manner. As for food in my room, I always take the dishes back up to the kitchen sink. (I always used to just toss them on the desk or floor and have them pile up.)

I finally feel like I am on my way to making myself feel better as a person, and to create a healthy space for me to work in. I still have trouble remembering to make my bed, and have trouble putting things back from where I got them. (Books, dvds, games, etc.) I am working on it though. One thing that has not been on the up and up has been going to the gym. It has been a couple of months since I last went. A part of me is so tired to try and I feel unmotivated most of the time, even with my mom urging us to go. Although another part is determined to lose the weight so I can start fitting in old clothes that no longer fit. Not to mention possibly losing some breast fat. Having 42G breasts is killer. I am so envious of the ladies who have B or C sized breasts, those are the perfect size. Not too big nor too small. Alas, I have had large breasts for a while.

Funny story though, I think I was probably about eight or nine years old, sitting out in the backyard on the well with my mother. She and I were chatting away. At that age you are a flat chested girl who will be a preteen in another couple of years. And I am pretty sure we started having classes about puberty and such at that time. Regardless, that day I told my mother I wanted big breasts when I became and adult. –Yeah– I sincerely have to tell you I regret those words to this day. Be careful what you wish for folks because God has a funny sense of humor and just might give you what you want, but someday you may just be wishing your younger self had never made such a silly wish.

Well that is my update for the day. I hope those of you who keep up to date on my blog enjoy the light reading. I will be try to keep updating regularly, if not feel free to nudge me again. Take care!


A Scare ~

The last time I wrote something was a couple of weeks ago. It has been busy and just a strange couple of weeks. Last weekend I had a major scare. For about four days I had been having pain on and off in my left breast. It did not feel like it was inside my chest, so I didn’t really think it was something serious. I thought it would go away on its own, but after four days of dealing with the pain, I got tired of it.

I called the doctor on what would be known as day five. Unfortunately my doctor was on vacation until the next week. I described my symptoms and waited as the woman on the phone conferred with the on call nurse. When she came back on the line she said most likely there was nothing they could do for me on their end and from the description of my symptoms they would feel better if I went to the hospital because it sounded cardiac related. Cue adrenaline and fear.

For a few moments I took a few deep breaths before calling my mother up at work to let her know what was going on. She ended up leaving work and coming with me to the hospital to get checked out.

I was immediately taken to a room and told to take off my shirt and bra. I think I was so worried about what might be wrong with me that I didn’t really think about how embarrassing it would be to be half naked in front of a bunch of people, especially at the weight I am, but I was oddly disconnected from that as I got into my hospital gown. I didn’t even think about the fact that I hadn’t shaved my legs in a while, at least not until they had to stick little pads on my ankles. Cue more embarrassment while I apologized for my unshaven legs. I don’t think they really thought much about it.

They started an IV and asked a bunch of questions. Many questions I had to answer over and over again, which was a bit annoying, but I understand. They did a bunch of tests on my blood. All came back clean except one. The doctor said they were concerned enough with it that I would need to get a CT Scan to check for blood clots. I was back to being nervous and scared again as I was taken to get a CT.

Twenty minutes later I learned I was okay and there were no blood clots. I had what was called Costochondritis. It apparently mimics a heart attack which is why my symptoms were similar. I was put on a couple of medications, one for inflammation and the other for pain. I am back to normal with no more pain. Still, it’s weird that something like that came out of the blue. I’ve never had hormones that acted funky to cause something like this before. And I had never heard of it until that day. But, thank you God for keeping me happy and healthy. I think I might be ready to start merging over to a healthier life-style. Need to be heart conscious now after such a scare.

It Has Been A While

Hey everyone, it has been a while since I wrote anything, mainly because I have been dealing with life issues that have cropped up. Between having headaches every other day and experiencing restless leg syndrome every evening, I’ve had much better days.

I have been trying to figure out the best way to capture my artwork to post it up on the site. I have taken photographs of my art, but it isn’t as good as having something that has been scanned in. The other issue is making sure no one claims my art as their own. Many pieces I have completed are not signed or anything. I might have to put a watermark or something somewhere on them before posting, but I am still wanting to post them to show people.

Other than having a break in my art flow, I have begun the process of making an outline for a novel I want to write. I have an idea in mind at might just be new and I want to try it. It’s been several years since I wrote anything significant. The last time I did, it was writing Harry Potter fanfiction, but now I am quite serious and my dream is to someday actually publish an original novel.

As you can see I am quite the creative little bee. I love writing and drawing. Those things are my bread and butter to keep me sane. The other thing along with those is music. I absolutely have to listen to music while writing or drawing. Then I just sink into Zen-like bliss.

So I hope everyone is having a much better week than I have been having.

A Move Towards Healing

For the past week, nothing much has happened. It has been the same old stuff every day. The only thing different was having a psychic reading given to me for free on Wednesday of last week. Out of all the small readings I have had done, she was the best. She hit on a lot of things that no one could possibly know about me. And in a way it really helped me. It ended up lasting for about an hour and a half, which is really long, but spirit definitely had something things to say.

My dad came through in the reading. He was apologetic and claimed he was a horrible parent, but he was going through things and had a lot of issues that spilled through into his family. He asked permission to watch and see me through my journey of healing. A part of me probably has trust issues with men because of the way I was treated when growing up with him as my dad. We never had a real close relationship. A lot of my trust issues also stem from sexual abuse when I was a child.

Today those things still affect me. I am 28, single and still a virgin. Any time I did date the furthest I would ever go was kissing if anything escalated towards going past that, it got scary for me. I would immediately shut down and leave the situation. I have avoided talking about my past because of the shame associated with it and when I was a teen I once told someone, but they did not believe me, so I decided it was best just to keep those painful issues to myself. I was a child in those situations and did not understand what a good touch and bad touch was back then. The touching not only left me in a state of confusion, but feeling as if I had done something wrong.

I have not dated anyone since I was 22 and a part of me has been relieved and independent, while the other part of me felt extremely lonely, especially after having to watch friends over the years get married and have children. I am at a point now in my life where I have given up on love, marriage and the possibility of being a mother. There are people who are highly disappointed that I have gotten to that point, but I really cannot see it happening anymore. I cannot say with certainty that this feeling will never change, but so far that is how I have felt for years. Maybe if I truly begin healing I will eventually come to really love myself and something will change. So here is hoping my healing journey that starts today will change something inside of me to make my future happy and healthy.

Sore, Muscle Aches

So for the past month and a half my mother and I have been so busy that we stopped going to the gym in my home town. It was not until Thursday that my mom was all about the ‘we need to go back to the gym, are you ready for today?’

My mother works day shift from about 5:30 am to 2:00 pm, and I work the midnight shift from 10:00 pm to 6:00 am. Since we are the only two who motivate each other to actually go, I have to compromise and sleep after I get off work, wake up before 2:30 pm and get ready for some exercising. I try not to complain about it, but I really enjoy sleeping for 8 or more hours. If I get less sleep than that, I tend to be on the cranky side of the bed.

I actually woke up about 1:30 pm on Thursday and could not sleep another few minutes. Instead I got my yoga pants and t-shirt on and proceeded to meet my mother in the living room before heading out. She was surprised I hadn’t slept until 2:45 pm like I said I would. I enjoy trying to go around 3:00 pm so I can get a few more winks of sleep.

We left about 2:20 pm and headed over to the gym. To my surprise some of the co-workers my mom and I work with were just checking in as well. I did not realize the hardcore workout I would soon be getting.

After checking in my mom decided to get a discounted rate on her monthly payments that she was not able to get before. While she was doing that, my two co-workers, one who was another supervisor, gestured to me to come over. Mom told me to go on ahead, so I went. From there, my co-worker who had been my trainer decided to become my workout trainer. OMG, I was really being pushed almost to the point where it was almost too much, especially since I was out of practice.

Two days later and my body is hurting. Ugh. I am definitely going to have to start investing in heat wraps and ibuprofen if things continue being that hardcore. At least to me it was hardcore. But I know it is good for me. I will be starting back up on Monday. Trying to lose weight sucks.

A fresh start

Today is the day I decided that I would begin to blog my daily life, or try to blog on a regular basis. My goal starting out is to write a blog post at least once a week if not more.

From my home page it tells you that not only is the goal of this site to maintain a blog, but also to post up stories I have or any artwork I may have. I plan to try an post in those areas once a month.

I am currently a 28 year old female, from the state of Kansas. I work a full time job as a state employee and live with my darling mother. Why do I live with her? Many reasons, one being that I started off going to school in another city and came back after being ill for a week. I made the decision to withdrawal from school rather than watch my grades plummet from being behind in my classes. I was attending the local University to get my nursing degree.

Alas after getting sick I came back home and went back to working my state job making a decent hourly wage. I am happy to have funds and benefits, but am still hardly satisfied with staying where I am at for the rest of my years. And I definitely have a lot of years left.

Nursing is still my end goal, or rather the beginning of a great career choice. Unfortunately, I am in debt due to having to live in the dorms my first year there. Nursing requires you to take many classes on campus and my closest University was two hours away from my home town. And I did not have anyone I knew there. So no help on that route.

So, I have been spending the last five month figuring out what to do, when BAM, new exciting information was released in my city. They are finally bringing some nursing routes to my town. I will not have to move or change jobs again. I can work, and go to school without needed a dorm or being away from family. Granted, the first LPN program does not start until the fall of 2018, but it is still great news, for someone like me who does not want to travel too far for classes.

Anyways, my mother will actually be retiring in a couple of years and will be moving up with my step dad about an hour and a half drive away. So I will be basically renting the house in a couple of years and have it to myself. Yay! Eventually I will finally be out on my own, being independent. I will still miss my mother dearly though.

Thanks for reading thus far. I have many more thoughts and feelings to come eventually. ❤